Question:
Hi.
For context, my girlfriend and I are both Christians who understand the gospel. The other night, my girlfriend and I stayed the night. We went too far with how we were touching each other, and eventually, she was on top of me, rubbing private areas with our clothes still on. We then went to giving a handjob, and I was fingering her. There was nothing else done but still.
We both felt terrible about it. I prayed about it to God, but I need advice. I understand that what we did was wrong and that it is wrong outside of marriage. Is this considered losing virginity? I feel so bad right now, I don’t know what to say. Please help.
Answer:
“Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband.” (I Corinthians 7:1-2). Paul is not talking about holding hands. He is stating that men and women ought not to sexually touch each other outside of marriage. Sex and the things that lead up to sexual intercourse only belong within a marriage.
What you did started with lust. “You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:27-28). The Jews in Jesus’ day had narrowed the law down to the physical act of adultery, but Jesus pointed out that adultery starts when a man looks at a woman with lustful thoughts. “And He said, ‘What comes out of a man, that defiles a man. For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders, thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lewdness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within and defile a man’” (Mark 7:20-23). While you were fingering her and she was rubbing your penis, I’m certain your mind was not tomorrow’s dinner plans. Likely, you were wanting to go much further, but the fear of actually committing fornication restrained you; yet, in your minds, you were involved in lust. “Let us walk properly, as in the day, not in revelry and drunkenness, not in lewdness and lust, not in strife and envy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts” (Romans 13:13-14).
Because you two got yourselves sexually aroused by humping, you decided to go further. You see, the judgment centers of people don’t function well when they are strongly aroused. That led you to further lewd behavior.
Are you still a virgin? The English definition of the word is “a person who has never had sex.” For some, that means never having had your penis in a female’s vagina. However, you have already started down the road toward intercourse. How far down the road must you walk and still be able to say you haven’t walked it? In truth, it doesn’t matter. What you should be concerned about is the fact that you’ve sinned and that you need to make things right with God.
You asked for help, but you weren’t clear about what you wanted help with. Do you want to know how to ask God for forgiveness? Do you want to know how to stop this sin from recurring?