Last updated on September 29, 2020
Question:
I ran across your web site and have been trying to talk with as many men about this as I can. My situation is I’m a 20-year-old college student. I had been single for five years, so dating was big to me.
I met this girl on a social app. The first night I asked her why she dated, and she asked me the same, and we both answered for marriage. Immediately I had a feeling she was going to be a good girl. We both turned out to be virgins, not active in drugs, rarely drink, and I personally never get drunk. Both have stable families. And a lot more similarities. We met up one day and ate pizza and walked around a park, and I’ve yet to feel anything like I did with her before. It started off slow and awkward but by the end of the night we were laughing, joking, holding hands, and able to openly discuss our feelings.
Three months down the road, we started to date. We had been arguing on and off before that, and school was getting bad for me, so I decided four days after to end things with her. The first week or two was fine. We both were still annoyed with each other. But after that, I realized just how much I liked her, and how the fights we had were so small and easily avoidable. She acknowledged she liked me too at that period, but she was scared, and I don’t blame her, to get involved for fear of it happening all over again.
It’s been three weeks now of me trying my best to prove it to her, and she says she needs time, so a week ago I told her I was going to take a two-week break and focus on my life with God. I didn’t hear anything from her until yesterday and it was a random text saying basically she was remembering the fun times we had and she hoped I was doing okay, and then she specifically said she thinks about me daily.
So that where I’m stuck. I’ve seen verses and been told from other sources that back up my viewpoint on trying until I honestly can’t anymore. I’ve got this connection with her and I’ve yet to feel it with any other girl. Sexually, we did nothing below the waist. I understand that still is not enough, but it’s just to show it’s not a sexual attraction. My thoughts constantly when I was with her were for her happiness and they still are. I got advice from my pastor and close friend during the time we were getting to know each other. I was slowly growing closer to God. So my question is, could this be love? I’ve never thought I was in love before. I’m not ignorant to think any form of attraction is love. I feel something special about her. If it is love, when I break the silence, how should I approach it? My plan was to text her with a letter basically saying good morning and then to ask if she’s free that night to go out and eat some pizza like we did the first time we met.
Thanks for any advice you are able to give.
Answer:
The question is not whether you two have disagreements, but whether you are able to resolve the disagreements and that they are getting fewer. You are two people who grew up in two different households, so I would expect that you both have different viewpoints that will sometimes clash.
I’m a bit concerned about how you described your behavior with her, so I would like you to read the answer I gave in How much sexual stuff is too much? What did you mean when you said, “I understand that still is not enough”?
How do you know you are in love? I would like you to read two articles:
You may not yet have all or even most of these attributes. After all, the two of you have only dated for a relatively short period and it wasn’t really stable. The question to ask yourself is whether your relationship is growing in that direction or not. Do you see it eventually getting to this level of commitment to each other? If so, then it is worth pursuing. If not, the earlier you end it, the better.
Question:
When I say not enough, I’m saying I know what I do seems innocent enough. but I know it still needs to be more purified. But, yes, I acknowledge I’m not in love, but I feel it’s an emotion I will have with this girl. I definitely see it going the distance if she and I are both committed.
Answer:
There is an emotion that we call love, but true love isn’t the emotion but the decision.