Question:
Dear Mr. Hamilton,
I’ve always been a quiet kind of guy and have never really been outgoing. I have discovered that this has been a hindrance to me. For example, I won’t go to certain places or events, maybe because I don’t know anyone there, or if there are a few people I know, I’ll stick with them and rarely, if ever, step out of my comfort zone. Especially when it comes to talking to girls, I have always seemed to lack confidence and am socially awkward (and I’ve been told that I’m both, and it hurt, but I probably needed to hear it). I’m going to be out of my teenage years very soon, and I’ve never had a girlfriend. I have talked to several girls, some of them good friends, but I don’t think any of them are interested in dating (many of them have boyfriends anyway). There aren’t many around my age at the congregation I attend (and even if they are close in age, they don’t seem interested). Most, if not all, of my close friends had or still have girlfriends, so I feel behind, and even if I were to eventually find one, I feel like I would be boring to them, as I’m more reserved, and it takes a bit of time for me to open up. I just do not know how to approach most girls and what to say, especially if we’ve never talked. The idea of it just scares me sometimes. I feel like the more extroverted boys are able to find girlfriends because of their personalities and witty comments (which I am neither extroverted nor witty). It seems like being an introvert is a negative quality, when in reality, I believe there are positives to being one. I feel like many don’t see the positives, though. Many just seem to fit in naturally. I try to step out of my comfort zone and tell myself I can do it, but it’s just plain difficult.
I always tend to overthink scenarios and judge before anything even happens, and usually things turn out all right, but that still doesn’t give me 100% confidence. I’m worried that certain people will like me or judge me based solely on my social skills (or even my looks; sometimes I can’t even look in the mirror because of my low self-esteem). I’ll replay certain conversations in my head that I felt were awkward days after they happen, and they’ll come back to my mind even months later, haunting me in a way. It’s difficult for me to maintain eye contact, and when I try, it always feels awkward. I also seem to stutter my words on occasion when trying to figure out what to say in response to a question or even when trying to strike up a conversation. My words seem to come out in a jumbled mix, not always making sense. Sometimes I just do not know what to say. It’s really hard for me to keep conversations going, too, even by asking open-ended questions. Most of my responses are usually “yeah”, “oh wow”, or “that’s cool,” and I know that really adds nothing to the conversation, and it makes me feel like a boring person. All this sometimes happens when talking to close friends, and I feel like it’s a turnoff, especially when trying to make new friends. I will say there are some instances where I do have the slight confidence to go up to people and talk to them, but it’s rare. All this also seems to be even more of a hindrance to me when it comes to telling others about the Gospel.
I feel alone at church sometimes, too, as many people are talking with each other after services, and I’m just kind of standing there when I’m not with my friend group, and I feel out of place. Although I can get up and deliver short talks, scripture readings, and prayers during services in front of 100+ people, nerves sometimes kick in, and I become almost a statue, stuttering and showing no emotion. After I finish, I’m unfortunately never focused on what I just said, but on how I did and on what people might be thinking of me, which distracts me from the worship service. It is just something else that I wish I could overcome.
I apologize if this is a lot. I really don’t want people to feel sorry for me, but I had to get all this off my chest, as it’s something I have really struggled with over the past few years. I hope and pray you will be able to provide me with sound advice on how to step out of my comfort zone, how to talk to girls, and, overall, become a more confident person.
Thank you very much, and God bless.
Answer:
What I immediately notice is that you write very well, so it isn’t your ability to express yourself. What you note about yourself is a very common complaint among young men. Males tend to be visual. Females tend to be verbal. There are plenty of exceptions, but the trend is very strong. Add to this that an adolescent’s brain is rewiring itself from childhood thinking to adult thinking you realize why so many girls think that guys only grunt.
You can become less awkward if you are willing to put in the work. There are a few videos that can get you started: