Question:
Hi,
I am a 23 years old man. My life had been a little bit rough, I struggled with masturbation for about 5 to 6 years, and I had to live with an uncle before I was 10 years old.
I have a girlfriend, who I have been dating for the past 8 years. In the process, I have had sex with two other women, which I regret so much. I didn’t have sex with my girlfriend until early this year. After we started having sex, it was consistently happening.
On one occasion, I was home and I was curious and worried about life, and I decided to give in to God. Since I couldn’t get the best out of life as a sinner, what was the essence of remaining a sinner? I know it was God at work. I became actively involved in my church, but I was the only one who knew what I was struggling with.
The first two months of being saved were very good, even though I was still struggling with lust. I prayed every day that God should help me with that particular sexual immorality struggle.
Last night, I found myself cuddling with my girlfriend and I just couldn’t control it. This is someone I have resisted for over two months and now here I am going back to where I used to be. She was sensitive enough to stop me before things got too deep and left. Prior to this, we had both agreed to walk the walk of faith together.
Now, my question is: I don’t want to go back to committing the sin of sexual immorality. It’s obvious that we are both going to get married, as we’ve talked about it on several occasions, but we are not financially ready at the moment. But how do I stay away from being aroused around her until we are financially capable of getting married? It’s really a burden in my heart because I don’t want to go back to that stage in my life.
Thanks.
Answer:
If you don’t wish to arrive at a destination, you don’t start walking the path that leads there. “Do not enter the path of the wicked And do not proceed in the way of evil men. Avoid it, do not pass by it; Turn away from it and pass on” (Proverbs 4:14-15).
The nature of sin is to be progressive. You inch closer to where you know you should not go. You tell yourself that you are all right because you haven’t gotten there yet, but you continue to move a bit closer. All of your sins in the past have been of the same sort, but you probably don’t remember because you weren’t interested in avoiding fornication back then.
You’ve mentioned that you’ve struggled with masturbation, but the Bible doesn’t say that masturbation is a sin. Pornography is definitely a sin (I Thessalonians 4:3-5) and my guess is that this is your true problem. It would explain why lust remains a burden in your life since pornography is lust.
I’m glad you have decided to start following Jesus, though you’ve left me wondering if you fully understand what that means. See How to Become a Christian. Being active in a church doesn’t say anything about your salvation. It is true that saved people are involved in a church, but a person can be involved without being saved. It is the consistency of applying God’s teaching through every aspect of life that matters.
We are told not to make room for lust and lewdness in our lives. “Let us walk properly, as in the day, not in revelry and drunkenness, not in lewdness and lust, not in strife and envy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts” (Romans 13:13-14). Lust is those thoughts and desires you keep battling about taking things even further. Lewdness is engaging in sexual foreplay that gets the body ready for intercourse. The Christian must recognize the danger and not start a sequence of events that can’t be legitimately completed.
Rules are needed for yourself so that you don’t start down a sinful path. No touching each other’s private areas. No stroking skin to get you or her sexually aroused. No long passionate kisses that leave you out of your mind. You have to treat each other with respect and not as sexual objects. “Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman” (I Corinthians 7:1).
With that comes not talking dirty or showing nude or semi-nude pictures to each other. “But fornication and all uncleanness or covetousness, let it not even be named among you, as is fitting for saints; neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks. For this you know, that no fornicator, unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idolater, has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not be partakers with them” (Ephesians 5:3-7). You don’t stay pure by sexually arousing the other person.
It also means that you must avoid tempting situations, such as being alone with your girlfriend where no one will see you.
And if the struggle against sin becomes great, then the best thing to do is get married, even though it appears you can’t afford to do so. “But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion” (I Corinthians 7:9). More often than not, you can manage your finances in a marriage. It might be difficult for the first few years. You might have to deal with simple food and a small living space, but you can make a home for yourselves.