I’ve come here for answers after being recommended to come here by someone on reddit. To get to the point, for the longest time, I’ve been deep into masturbation, and only just now have I’ve been able to control myself. I want to tear down every stronghold that may keep me from God’s purpose for me when I grow up, and you see, I gained a fetish while i was still dead in sin. Without further ado, let’s begin.
When I was still deep in masturbation, I came across a kinky form of sex where the woman dominates in a nurturing and motherly way. For the longest time, I’ve been in love with this idea. I’ve masturbated several times, just thinking about having a woman who completely dominates me in sex, while also calling me her “good boy” and saying sweet nothings while looking me dead in the eyes, makes me melt. The idea of cuddling up to her afterward, and being trapped in her loving embrace as she holds me close and kisses me on my forehead would always help me sleep. It’s not just about sex. In most aspects, a motherly, yet dominant woman, would be appealing. I’d love to have a woman to whom I could just go to for comfort and reassurance, and if she’s that way with me, then I’m sure she’d be a great mother.
So where does this bring me? Well as I’ve said, I’ve tried giving up on masturbation, and I’m currently either 11-12 days into no longer masturbating.
Now, for the sake of the question, Let’s assume for a moment that I do get in a marriage with a woman with such a desire. (If I end up with a woman who doesn’t, I’m willing to let go of this desire for her sake, but I digress.) Would a marriage with a dominant woman be acceptable as a Christian and fulfill God’s role for us as man and woman? I know that the Bible calls women to submit to their husbands, but that very line has a lot of debate surrounding it. Some say that the entire passage is talking about submission — for all of us to submit to one another — and others say that it was translated from a word that calls women to fight for their husbands, while others view it as misogynistic. Then there are people who believe that you can be a Christian and have a marriage where the wife dominates, but I’m not so sure about their reasoning.
I’m confused. If scripture calls for me to give up on it, then please, tell me how I may overcome it, and if it just needs some changes for it to be a good thing, then tell me how. I know that as a man I should be a protector, a provider, and partner, and I plan on protecting her if I must take action, provide for her and serve her, and be a partner who will truly love her. I want to get out of the grime and muck and be washed away by Jesus Christ’s salvation, but I’m still not sure about this one area of my life. If it’s against God’s wishes, then please, tell me so that I may turn away from it and never again look upon it. I’m just so lost because of my addictions to porn and masturbation, and my Asperger’s Syndrome as well. Help me, so that when this reemerges, I may find comfort in the knowledge that God either finds it good or that God will guide my heart in the right direction. I’m 16 years old, and as such, my body and mind are currently being rewired from boy to man as we speak. Every night I grow closer to being a man, and every night I take one more step to become a full-blown adult. I want to know whether it’s a weed or not.
I’m glad to hear that you want to consider God’s view of things. That is commendable. Too many people only consider what they want and miss the truth as a result.
First, let’s address the pornography problem. It is good that you stopped looking at it. Pornography is designed to stimulate guys sexually so that they come to believe that it is the only way they can ejaculate. To accomplish this, they present sex in a shocking way. The shock raises a guy’s heart rate, increasing his blood pressure, and, thus, causing a strong erection. The depiction of sex distracts the guy while the pressure for release builds until it is impossible to ignore. Yet, at its core, pornography is creating a lust for sin in the viewers. It shows sex between unmarried couples. It focuses on the act without context.
“For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion, like the Gentiles who do not know God” (I Thessalonians 4:3-5).
What God wants is for you to be sanctified; that is, to be set apart for a holy purpose. That cannot be achieved if you are involved in having sex outside of marriage (fornication). Thus, for you to not get involved in fornication you need to know how to control your body. But in order to control your body, you cannot get involved in lustful things that sure up your desires for sex (i.e. pornography).
However, notice that all of this is talking about pornography. Nothing is said about masturbation being wrong in the Bible. See Is masturbation considered a sin? What I’ve found over the years, are guys who have the intention of quitting pornography, but they do it by halting all ejaculations. But the male body requires periodic ejaculations. If a man is able to have wet dreams, then these take over. But if a man is unable to have wet dreams, the pressure builds until all self-control is lost because the need to ejaculate is too strong to ignore. The result is that this last group ends up going back to pornography because that is their habit. They binge on it until they’ve exhausted their supply of semen and then they hate themselves for not being able to stay away from porn.
The solution is simple: masturbate without porn when the need is strong and you’ll find your ability to resist looking a pornography increases.
Shortly after man was created, Adam and Eve sinned. “For it was Adam who was first created, and then Eve. And it was not Adam who was deceived, but the woman being deceived, fell into transgression” (I Timothy 2:13-14). Paul uses these two points to prove that women are not to have authority over men in the instruction in the church. Man was created first, so by right of being firstborn, he has the leadership. When Adam and Eve were tempted, the woman was deceived into sinning but the man sinned knowing he was doing wrong. I guess you could argue that men are forced into leadership roles as a consequence of Adam’s sin (leadership is not often fun).
But there is more to the story. The consequence given to women because of Eve’s sin was “To the woman He said, ‘I will greatly multiply your pain in childbirth, in pain you will bring forth children; yet your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you’” (Genesis 3:16). Notice the last phrase, “he will rule over you.” A consequence of Eve’s sin is that the husband is the head of the family.
When you get to the New Testament, we read:
“Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything” (Ephesians 5:22-24).
“Subject” means to willingly follow the leadership of another. I’m sure there are people who want to twist definitions to match their preconceived ideas, but that is not how we learn God’s Will. That is the promotion of man’s will. Notice that if you redefine what it means for a wife to follow the leadership of her husband, then that would also redefine what it means for the church to follow the leadership of Christ.
I can understand the desire to be mothered at times, but a marriage is not the hiring of some woman to be your mother. Marriage is about a man and a woman deciding to join their lives together as equals. The marriage requires different roles to be accomplished for the good of the family, but the husband and wife need to see each other as equals. “You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered” (I Peter 3:7).
I suspect that a part of this is due to your mild autism. Most autistic people don’t like change; yet, adolescence forces everyone to face changes. For an autistic person, that feels disturbing and unbalanced and leads to a desire to be comforted and have someone else take charge for a while. Unfortunately,because of porn, you also accidentally tied these same feelings to your sex drive. Leaving the pornography will ease that connection and as you settle into adulthood, you will find the world more stable.