Last updated on September 15, 2020
Question:
I read some of the questions about homosexuality, and the one where you mentioned that you can become gay if you accept it at a young age, it was something like that. Anyway, are there any precautions to ensure I don’t turn out that way? Right now I think I’m struggling with “homosexual OCD” and I’m confused if I like these bad thoughts about same-sex. It also causes groinal responses which sometimes are full erections — scares the living daylight out of me.
I don’t want to be gay. I know I have never liked a man, but all of a sudden I can’t get it off my mind. I’m worried I’m turning gay. I never took part in homosexual activities or anything. All I have is a past filled with severe anxiety problems. Can this really trick my mind into thinking I like men? I really don’t like it, and I cry every day now because I’m so worried. I’m 14, so I don’t know if it’s that phase you were mentioning. I thought my anxiety was gone, I haven’t had a problem with it in about seven months. It’s just on and off, progressively getting worse every time. This time it’s really bad if that’s even what’s causing this. You don’t know how badly I don’t want to be gay! This is a struggle. Your words on this would be much appreciated.
Answer
“But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death” (James 1:14-15).
James gives us a list of how people fall into sin, so let’s break it down in its steps:
- “His own desires“: It starts with normal desires: your desire to eat, to sleep, to be liked, and, yes, even your desire for sex.
- “Enticed”: Satan tries to put you in situations where it seems that you get what you want, you have to break a law of God. This is a temptation.
- “Conceived”: If you accept that it is worth breaking God’s law to get what you want and you start justifying it in your mind, then it has become lust.
- “Sin”: Eventually the opportunity comes to actually do it. The breaking of God’s law is sin.
- “Full-grown”: After a while, you become numb to sin when you do it repeatedly. You can even convince yourself that you deserve it or that it is owed to you.
- “Death“: A person stays in his sin and spiritually he dies.
You haven’t had sex with other guys, so you haven’t reached the point of sin yet. Therefore, you are not guilty of homosexuality. People try to blur the lines of distinction, claiming the temptation of having sex with another guy is the same as the actual sin because if you accept that you have already committed the sin, you are more likely to go further and do the sin.
You also don’t want to have sex with other guy. You reject the idea, so you haven’t reached the point of lust yet.
Therefore, what you are facing is temptation. Being tempted doesn’t make you a homosexual, just as being tempted to steal doesn’t make you a thief.
Your body strongly wants to ejaculate. It needs to because of the way it is designed. You make semen all the time, and the body and limited storage capacity, so every once in a while the excess has to be gotten rid of through ejaculation. I suspect that like many young men, you have convinced yourself the best way to fight this temptation is to avoid ejaculating. The problem is that your body fights you because ejaculations have to happen. Eventually, something has to give and you end up feeling driven to masturbate, often in a way that involves sinful thoughts.
The better way is knowing it is needed when you feel your sexual drive rise to masturbate on your terms without thinking about sinful things. Along with this, since you are in control, you don’t have to focus on homosexuality by worrying that you might become one. You aren’t one. You can’t be made to become one without your consent. You know you are male and one day in the future will find a wonderful female to marry.
Question:
So from what I said it sounds like it’s anxiety creating the bad thoughts? Well, how should I go about making these thoughts disappear? They are always on my mind causing confusion even if I do what you suggested. Whenever I see a man, anywhere, I get a weird feeling, and I feel really awkward. Sometimes like I said it turns to a full erection. This frightens me deeply. I don’t want to be a homosexual, but what if it happens because these thoughts and feelings continue for too long and my mind is too confused, so it says “well I guess I’m gay” (not literally). I just want to know if it’s anxiety or that other thing. I know you already said I wasn’t, but I just want to make sure you understand my situation.
Answer:
Satan wants people to decide they’ve already lost the battle against sin because then they give up without a fight.
Think of your body as a machine. When you first started having erections, anything and nothing particular triggered them. But people insist there have to be patterns, so we assume that whatever comes just before must be the cause of what comes after. I don’t know how the pattern started in your case, but somewhere along the line, you began connecting men with erections. Most likely it was due to your fear of being homosexual. Anxiety causes you to get tense, but tension causes the muscle at the base of the penis to clamp down, which makes the penis inflate. Then you panic and your tension goes up and the muscle clamps down harder and your penis gets harder in response. Likely you assume it was men that caused it, but it really started with your fear.
As it continues, you just assume that you are gay. Eventually, you would have convinced yourself and start acting on that assumption. Yet in every case that I know of, it all stems from lies a guy tells himself.
Question:
You see that’s my problem. I don’t want to be gay, but when I ask myself if I would ever do anything homosexual with another man, I really have to think, and sometimes it feels I would say yes, then I cry and I feel horrible. Then I have to go over it in my head several times to see if that’s what I would actually do. Then I picture different scenarios of different guys, and if I liked them or not. And most of the time it’s “yes,” but sometimes it feels like I would like the guy. I hate myself for thinking that and again I review my thoughts and have to make sure I would not like them. This is what has been bothering me the whole time, and I don’t think I got it through to you clearly enough.
I’m confused if I would like a man or not, but I really don’t want to. This is where I was confused if it was anxiety or not if anxiety is causing me to feel like I like the. For the lack of better vocabulary and to sum it up, I feel like I’m (turning) gay, but I don’t want to be. I hope I said it all right. I really don’t want to be but what is making me like guys sometimes, it’s scary I hate it. I just want it to end, I don’t like what it’s doing to my personality. I was never like this. The reason I keep replying is that I don’t know if you understand what I’m trying to tell you. I hope it really just is anxiety causing me to feel like this.
Answer:
“He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, but whoever walks wisely will be delivered” (Proverbs 28:26).
You are trying to make a choice based on feelings, but feelings are unstable and can be manipulated. So instead of looking at what you feel and deciding that this is what must be, let’s use our heads and approach the problem from one of authority and logic.
God said that homosexuality is a sin. See Homosexuality for a list of the passages. In addition, homosexuality doesn’t make logical sense. See Don’t you dare change my mind, but why is homosexuality bad? Therefore, we conclude that your feelings are going off-track.
Now the wonder of it all is that your feelings do control your choices, nor should they. Feelings should be the result of your choices, not the cause of them. It doesn’t matter if you find some guys attractive or that you are curious about what homosexual sex is like. It doesn’t matter if your silly body still hasn’t learned that sex is reserved for your wife. The simple matter before us is that homosexuality is wrong and, therefore, it is not among the choices for how you are going to live your life. So, when those unwanted temptations creep up, you can respond with confidence that this is not where you are going with your life. You look forward to having a wife and children. You are aiming for heaven. “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world” (I Peter 5:8-9).
When you got about it this way, you will find that your body and your feelings will follow the choices you made. Perhaps not instantly, but it does happen.
“For this is the love of God, that we keep His commandments. And His commandments are not burdensome. For whatever is born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world — our faith” (I John 5:3-4).