Last updated on July 12, 2024
Question:
Good Evening,
I bring heavenly greetings, sir!
I came across a question someone asked in early 2010, and thankfully, I had the opportunity to come across it this year. The person asked, “Must I marry the girl I had sex with?” Honestly, there were a lot of things I was able to pick from the answers you gave the person. I have the same question in mind, but it’s totally different from the other person’s situation.
I was raised with a Christian background but wasn’t entirely a Christian. I was dealing with some sins. I’d repent today, and I’d fall the next day.
I had the chance to date a girl in school, speaking of which I still am. Before I turned my life to Christ, we had already committed a lot of immoral acts, but we never had sex. We both saw each other’s nakedness, and we committed fornication. It’s been occurring frequently. Later on, I converted and decided to give my life to Jesus. The question I have in mind right now is: Can I marry a girl whose nakedness has already been unveiled to me before marriage?
Our standards are quite different now. I’m more committed to serving God than ever before, but I still feel like I’m sinning against God by being with her. Whenever I’m around her, she kisses me and plays with me in such a way that I’m easily aroused, and that isn’t something I’m comfortable with. Our standards don’t even align in any way. She’s just there. I don’t even know if she knows God like she claims she does, and I honestly don’t want something that’ll pull me away from serving God. She says we can both serve Him together, but I can’t because this is the same person I committed fornication with.
She thinks I’m going to marry her, but I don’t want to because I feel that I can’t be with a girl whose nakedness I have already seen before marriage. Apparently, it’s an abomination. At the same time, I don’t want to end things with her just like that because it will hurt her really bad. It would be a waste of time to date someone I do not intend to marry. I’m not going to lie; she’s nice and supportive. She’s good, but she doesn’t know God like I do. I’m just so confused.
Please, I need advice. Is it right to marry a girl whose nakedness I have already seen before marriage?
Answer:
I will try to read between the lines because it would be best to clarify the problems. If I guess incorrectly, just let me know.
Just because Christians raise a person, it doesn’t make them a Christian. Christianity is something you personally choose. No one, not even your parents, can make that choice for you. (See How to Become a Christian.) Attempting to be a sort of Christian doesn’t work. As Jesus said, “He who is not with Me is against Me, and he who does not gather with Me scatters abroad” (Matthew 12:30). I’m glad you decided to devote yourself more fully to the Lord.
I gather that you’ve been struggling with pornography, and when you started dating this girl, you got involved in lewd behavior, mutual masturbation, and oral sex. So far, you’ve managed not to put your penis into her vagina, but there is no telling how long that would have lasted. I assume your change has been recent. You are trying to behave yourself, but your girlfriend isn’t respecting your new boundaries. Because she isn’t committed to righteous living, she interprets your sudden change as a rejection of her. Thus, she thinks if she can get you aroused enough, you’ll go back to acting as you have in the past. She might even look at this as a game.
You are mixing up what the old Law of Moses said in Leviticus 18:6-19. These laws were primarily about not having sexual relations with close relatives. “None of you shall approach any blood relative of his to uncover nakedness; I am the LORD” (Leviticus 18:6). “Nakedness” was used instead of “have sex” because it covers far more inappropriate behavior than just putting your penis where it doesn’t belong. Even if we were living under the Old Law, what you had been doing was wrong, but it would not prevent you from marrying your girlfriend. Instead, if you were caught, you would have been forced to pay a dowry to marry her. “If a man finds a girl who is a virgin, who is not engaged, and seizes her and lies with her and they are discovered, then the man who lay with her shall give to the girl’s father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall become his wife because he has violated her; he cannot divorce her all his days” (Deuteronomy 22:28-29). The amount of the fine would be about what you could earn in 3.5 years. Of course, living expenses could easily double the time to accumulate that much money. Even after paying the fine, there would be no guarantee that the marriage would actually take place. The girl’s father had the right to reject the man as a suitable husband for his daughter. “If a man seduces a virgin who is not engaged, and lies with her, he must pay a dowry for her to be his wife. If her father absolutely refuses to give her to him, he shall pay money equal to the dowry for virgins” (Exodus 22:16-17).
However, we don’t live under the Law of Moses, though we can learn some things from it. First, a couple acting sexually doesn’t create an obligation between them. This is one reason sex before marriage is wrong. Notice that in the Law of Moses, the sinning couple was not automatically married and that while it was encouraged, it did not always happen. Marriage is also encouraged in the Law of Christ. “But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion” (I Corinthians 7:9). However, again, it is an allowance and not a requirement.
You have to decide if you want a wife who is tempting you to sin because this type of behavior is likely to continue even after marriage. As you noted, she might call herself a Christian, but her actions state that she is not (Matthew 7:15-20). I would suggest that you have a serious talk with her. Tell her that you’ve decided to become a real Christian. As a Christian, you can’t engage in sexual play with a girl you are not married to. Tell her about the importance of putting the Lord first — before your own pleasure and before her. Then tell her you are looking for a wife who will help push you to improve because she is also focused on serving the Lord. However, that doesn’t seem to be her goal. Remind her that you are changing and suggest that she could change too — not for your sake but for her own good.
I suspect that by the time you finish that conversation, it will be clear whether this friendship should continue.
Question:
Thank you so much, sir, for getting back to me.
Lately, she’s been questioning me about my recent changes, including the way I talk to her, the way I text, and a lot of that as well.
But here’s the thing, sir: She doesn’t get me aroused whenever I’m around her; I’m just the one getting aroused around her (probably based on what we usually engage ourselves with in the past). Whenever she kisses or hugs me, I get aroused, and whenever that happens, I feel like I’m sinning against God. I’m not comfortable with that at all. I’m cautious about the way I behave these days, so I don’t offend God. Kissing even sounds like a sin to me recently since I got converted. And yes, sir, you were right that my conversion to Christ was recent. I’m not going to lie, sir; I’m really careful about how I do things lately.
I feel like even if I get married to this girl in the future, she’s still going to come up with that past life of hers (if she doesn’t really know God).
Like I stated in the first text, she’s supportive. She’s nice and caring but doesn’t motivate me to serve and know God more. Of course, she has some insight into Christianity, but she’s not entirely a Christian. I’m confused as to what to decide. I have told her before that I don’t want to do any sexual things with her, with which she totally agrees. And it’s fine by me, but my main question is: As children of God, do we have to get married after seeing each other’s nakedness? We don’t follow the law of Moses anymore. Since God sent Jesus Christ to die for our sins, the Old Law was broken. We don’t have anything to do with it anymore.
I’m trying to clarify this because I don’t want to continue in a relationship with her that doesn’t end in us being together.
Answer:
I can understand your concern, given your past. You are trying to avoid all tempting situations for fear that they might lead you back into sin. It is a reasonable concern, but it is one that easily leads a person into taking extreme positions.
“Do not be excessively righteous and do not be overly wise. Why should you ruin yourself? Do not be excessively wicked and do not be a fool. Why should you die before your time? It is good that you grasp one thing and also not let go of the other; for the one who fears God comes forth with both of them” (Ecclesiastes 7:16-19).
Some people convince themselves they can never overcome sin, so they abandon all self-restraint. Solomon called that foolish. But the other extreme is equally dangerous. Here, a person tries to be perfectly righteous by adding a multitude of restrictions in an attempt to avoid all dangers. The result is that he ruins himself because he cannot keep his own rules. He starts viewing himself as a failure.
You are a male, and with that comes basic desires for sex. Such is normal. You aren’t sinning when you have an erection, or you start to drip because you are aroused. This is just the way the male body was designed to work. However, it doesn’t mean you have to act on those desires. You will be tempted to sin because Satan wants you to fail, but you don’t have to act on what Satan offers.
What you are saying is that your girlfriend is respecting your boundaries. You fear that you won’t have self-control. Yet, such control is possible. Giving your girlfriend a chaste goodbye kiss or a brief hug isn’t wrong. Yes, your body might react, but you can ignore the reaction.
If your girlfriend is only a Christian in name, why not encourage her to learn more about the Lord? Would that not be better for her, even if you decide she isn’t the woman you want to marry? Do you have to marry her? No. Must you avoid marrying her? That answer is also a “No.” You need to decide if she is the type of woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. That decision is not based on her body but on her character and personality. At the same time, she has to decide whether she wants to spend the rest of her life with you. A girl isn’t going to be marrying you for your six-pack abs. She must decide on your character and personality. Now that you aren’t undressing each other, you can focus on what really matters and make better decisions. It isn’t your past failures that matter but who you are currently and where you are going in life.
Question:
Thank you so much, sir. May God bless you.
I get the message now. I’ve been misunderstanding the whole concept, but it’s totally clear now.
If you don’t mind, I’d like to send you texts like this occasionally, just in case something is disturbing me. Thank you for your time, sir.
Answer:
I don’t mind questions. Ask whenever something comes up. I’ll answer as I have time.