Lusting for my girlfriend isn’t wrong, is it?

Last updated on October 9, 2020


Good morning. I have a question for you.

First, my girlfriend and I started out having no sex. Once we found out oral sex was biblically wrong, we abstained. And the same thing regarding touching. However, when we talk on the phone we both get worked up, and we masturbate to the point of orgasm. Now we only think of each other, and we’re lusting for one another, but that’s normal. As far as I understand in regards to “lusting” it’s an intense sexual desire for someone, well I do desire her. I know God never said “thou shalt not want to have sex” because we were created to have sex. The only thing I see wrong with the phone conversation is we’re sexually gratifying ourselves and the body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, so we’re disgracing it. Am I correct?


But fornication and all uncleanness or covetousness, let it not even be named among you, as is fitting for saints; neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks. For this you know, that no fornicator, unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idolater, has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not be partakers with them” (Ephesians 5:3-7).

Most people understand that having sex without being married is wrong and that fornication and the acts that lead up to fornication should not be connected with Christians. But if the behaviors are wrong, then it also means that Christians should not talk as if those behaviors are acceptable, even as a part of a joke.

  • Filthiness is dirty or inappropriate talk. A boy should not be talking about his genitals with a girl he isn’t married to and a girl should not be talking about her private parts with a boy she is not married to.
  • Foolish talk is dumb, worthless discussions. Thus, discussions about bodily functions would fall into this category. Talking about things that are disgusting and have no value to you isn’t worth your time.
  • Coarse jesting is making jokes about sexual matters.

If you, as a Christian, are against fornication, then why talk about it or joke about it? It gives the wrong impression about what you accept.

Repeated conversations about sexual matters also keep the two of you thinking only about sex in connection with each other. Dating is supposed to be a time to develop a deep friendship because you are looking for someone to be your companion for the rest of your life. A friendship that revolves around only one subject is shallow and won’t last. Think back over you last several conversations and consider how many topics you really covered with each other in any depth.

Lust is more than just a strong desire. Go without eating for a day or two and you’ll have a strong desire to eat, but that isn’t wrong. What makes lust wrong is that you are considering breaking God’s law to get what you want so badly, to the point that you tell yourself that it won’t be so bad in some situations. You two are not married; yet, you spend your time talking about having sex and that just isn’t appropriate.