Last updated on November 10, 2024
Question:
Good afternoon,
I have been looking at your website and gained the courage and confidence to ask about an issue, seeing the flexibility and specific answers you have given to people who face rarely-mentioned problems. The issue is this:
I was born into a very good Christian home full of love and flexibility. I have always been “good” and dedicated to whatever I do. I have always felt attracted to God. Currently, I am a servant in the church and attend youth meetings. I fight for the dreams God gave me, and I always seek to improve.
You see, I began to masturbate when I was 8 years old, and I did it in an “innocent” way, that is, without lust. My parents were shocked and told me it was a taboo subject (now they are more flexible and knowledgeable, but at that time, not so much.) I stopped doing it but did it again when I was 10 or 11 years old. Now, I was aware of the attraction, although I never masturbated with anyone in mind. I only fantasized about the idea of sex, although I didn’t really know what it was.
My father, who was more flexible and knowledgeable, was much better at approaching it. He was more precise and more scientific, but he thought I was doing it because I was perverse and told me I was no longer a virgin. In a way, I was depraved, but I am sincere when I say I wasn’t. I am lustful. What I wanted was pleasure.
I felt tremendous guilt that left a deep mark on me. Then, I had a spiritual awakening and began to serve in the church at the age of 12, of my own free will, since I felt grateful because, having been discovered, I had stopped masturbating, and I wanted to quit.
I moved forward, and for a while, I stopped. Then, the pandemic came, and I was suffering from depression because I compared myself to my brother. This made me sad, and I considered God distant and somewhat unfair for his being better-looking. My parents never had favoritism, but I saw and knew that he was the good and orderly one, and I was not. I started masturbating again, and I sank. I wanted pleasure, and I did what I considered to be degrading things. I was 13 years old.
I have never seen pornography, but twice in my life. I have masturbated while looking at images of women in bikinis (even so, I am not lustful). God rescued me, and I asked him to do a miracle to stop my masturbating, and He did it. It was a miracle. My whole life began to improve. I solved my problem with my brother and my family. I made an effort and began to excel. I have become excellent in everything I do. Since then, I read the Bible, prayed, and taught the gospel for mere pleasure, and I have dedicated my whole life to God.
But when I turned 14, I had a few relapses. I always felt miserable every time I failed. Eventually, when I was 15 or 16, I relapsed several times, and that destabilized me because it made me doubt the miracle that God had done, but I decided not to go back. But something started happening to me, so I am writing.
When I fall asleep, I suddenly wake up and realize that I am masturbating, and I am enjoying it, and then I ejaculate. At that moment, I regained full consciousness, but I had already sinned. This has happened to me several times, and it is frustrating because I do not know how to consult or investigate, and no one can help me. Is it a sin or not? If it is not a sin, then what is it?
It is not a wet dream. My body is doing something when I wake up. I do not know to what extent I am conscious, which scares me. I have come to consider that I am not a Christian and that it is some diabolical possession, but I know that it is not so. I know I’m born again, and I know that I wouldn’t masturbate of my own free will, but this happens. I’ve investigated, and I think it could be sexsomnia, but I don’t think so.
This doesn’t have a cycle of repetition; it’s sudden, and I don’t know if I caused it. I’ve sometimes been stimulated before sleeping, and this happens to me. But sometimes, it happens to me without being stimulated before sleeping. Sometimes, I’ve had a deep devotional moment, and this happens when I sleep.
I feel bad. I’ve never had lustful thoughts during these acts. That makes me happy and a little disturbed because I’ve read that masturbation without lust could indicate same-sex attraction (homosexuality). I have an attractive friend for whom I feel a lot of affection and love. Sometimes, I don’t know if it’s just affection or attraction. I’ve had the feeling of getting excited when I’m with him (although it also happens with girls or boys), but on one site, I read that a woman was talking about “emotional excitement,” and I think that’s it. I am not homosexual; I know I am not, but I am afraid, and I don’t know what to do.
Everyone admires me, and I know that God loves me. He has kept me from many things, and even so, I know that, in many ways, I am innocent and naive. But these situations disturb me, scare me, and make me feel that I am not worthy of serving God or participating in his work.
Please forgive me. I am so detailed and have gone on so long, but I thought that God could use it since I have only told my brother about this. Well, he can’t help me because he is my age and is not an expert or anything.
I am 17 years old and try to live, trusting only in God’s grace.
I await your response, hoping God will give you the wisdom to respond to me.
Thank you and blessings.
Answer:
It is common for children to explore their bodies and discover that some parts give pleasurable feelings. Your parents didn’t handle your discovery well. They understand what those parts of the body are for, and they would have been shocked that their 8-year-old boy was already showing interest in his genitals. They came down harder on you than they should have.
When you got a bit older, you became aware of sexual feelings, though it was too new to attach strong significance to what you were feeling. As you noted, you mainly chased after pleasurable feelings. Unfortunately, your parents wrongly assumed you were developing a desire for homosexuality. You misunderstood their fears as a condemnation of you.
Repeatedly, you have stated that lust wasn’t behind your actions, but I don’t think you are being honest. You mentioned that, for a while, you were looking at women in bikinis while masturbating. If lust wasn’t a part of your motivation, why look at semi-nude women?
God doesn’t take away our free choice. While God desires you not to sin, He won’t prevent you from sinning if that is your choice. You asked for help to stop masturbating. You stopped, but it was because you chose to do so, believing it was God’s will. It is God’s will that you don’t watch pornography or lust after women (I Thessalonians 4:3-5); however, it would be incorrect to label this a miracle. This isn’t the sun standing still or a withered arm being restored to its normal condition.
Whether masturbation is sinful or not is addressed in: Is masturbation considered a sin?
Now, regarding your question: Your body produces semen in two glands called the seminal vesicles. These glands do so constantly, though at a faster rate when you get sexually aroused or at a slower rate when you are ill. The glands have a limited capacity to store semen; thus, semen must be ejaculated to make room for more. Sometimes, when you are aroused, a bit of semen drips into your urethra. The next time you pee, the semen is flushed out. A few guys produce semen slowly enough that this periodic drip keeps the stored semen low enough. For most guys, the seminal vesicles fill up, and as they approach their capacity, your desire for sex rises to the point that it distracts your thoughts. Almost all guys eventually figure out that masturbation triggers ejaculation, and the release of semen feels good and removes the distracting thoughts. It is because it feels good that many people assume it is wrong but not because God said it is wrong. For some guys, when the seminal vesicles get full, they start having erotic dreams. During the dreams, they begin to masturbate in their sleep. Some sleep through the whole thing and don’t realize something happened until they wake up. Others start to wake up because of the movement; they finish it off and fall back to sleep (which is what is happening to you). Still, others come fully awake and must choose to finish what was started. All of them are still referred to as a wet dream or a nocturnal emission (since it happens at night).
You haven’t been sinning by ejaculating when you were semi-asleep. It is just the way God designed the male body to remove older semen to make room for a fresh batch. It has nothing to do with homosexuality. Nor do I think you are sexually attracted to your friend. When erections and ejaculations are new to a guy, the body often gets triggered, sometimes for no apparent reason. Just ignore it since it is a physical response taking place at the wrong time.
I hope this helps.
Question:
God bless you so much! Truly, God has used you to give me peace because these issues have tormented me for months.
I feel much better because I have carried guilt and shame for so long that now I feel too happy. My heart is beating hard while I write. Your answer really interests me. Let’s say that what is happening to me is a wet dream, but since I didn’t know that these could manifest like this, I assume that I was doing it, which consoles me a lot.
I believe you when you said that there is no miracle in stopping masturbation. I saw God helping my weak will, but I released myself from my responsibility. I think that is what has led me to fall, right? You have opened my eyes to this. I will try to be responsible in everything I do from now on. Thank you.
About lust: I indeed think I exaggerated when I said that I did not feel lust. The truth is that I have felt it, but I only wanted to express that when these “wet dreams” happened to me, there was no erotic content. In my life, I do not go around desiring the women I see. I only wanted to express my frustration because I was careful not to fall, but I still “failed” involuntarily, which disturbed me. I did not mean that I had not felt or struggled with lust before. That is where I was wrong. It was specifically in these cases that there was no lust. About the women I saw, the truth is, thankfully, God freed me from the addiction to pornography. Let’s say that I did not struggle with that. That is why I know it was only on two occasions, as I explained before. I do thank Him. I was already desperate, and God used it and brought me peace.
I want to learn more about the functioning of the body, sexuality, and wet dreams to better respond to my body’s reactions. I was afraid to investigate these topics, but now I see that Christians must be informed and that there is nothing wrong with investigating. Thank you for the example you gave me by using knowledge to help many.
If it is not too much trouble, I want to ask you where you have learned so much so that I can learn more. Could you give me more information about wet dreams, particularly what is related to my case? I believe that apart from God, He is the only one who has told me something related to what is happening to me. Or, if you could give me some sources to consult, I would greatly appreciate it.
I also thank you for explaining scientifically what is happening to me and the body’s processes. Thank you! Also, thank you for explaining to me about homosexuality. It really put me off, but I appreciate it. Now, I know that I am not homosexual. I never identified myself as one, but deep down, I was afraid. Now, I will be sure. Thank you!
Regarding this, I would like to specify that it was not my parents who attributed homosexual behavior to me. I did that myself. They simply thought I was perverted, and I was the one who thought about homosexuality. But thank you. I hope to close that cycle of my life soon. And, of course, I would like to read more about this subject of the body’s reactions.
Thank you very much for everything. I have just one last question: Do you think this will stop happening to me at some point, and how should I react if it happens again? Thank you, and again, excuse me for going on so long.
Thank you. It motivates me to see that some faithful Christians still seek to help others.
I want to do things right. My parents tried to help me in their own way, even though they were very hard, and I know that God is good and great in mercy.
Thank you for taking the time. In Christ, I love you. Thank you, brother.
Answer:
The roots of this website started in 1990 when I was asked to teach a class of teenage boys about sexual issues. The parents in the church were concerned about the immoral teachings prevalent in public schools, and they wanted something that would present a Christian view of the same topic. Nothing I found adequately presented what the Bible taught, so I wrote my own material. That class went over so well that the parents asked me to publish the material. That led me to study everything I could find on the topic, both in the Bible and learning what the secular classes were teaching. I now have two shelves in my office dealing with sexual issues; one focused on teenagers and the other focused on adults. I also have numerous files containing copies of various papers I’ve found over the years on growth, development, and sexual issues.
In the early 2000s, I decided to publish my books online and answer questions that were sent in. Whenever I get a question I don’t know the answer to, I research it and write back. I believe every question honestly asked deserves an honest answer. I’m just crazy enough to be willing to answer even the most embarrassing questions. I’ve read medical journals, research papers, and opinion pieces while seeking answers to various questions. I don’t know of one resource that could give you the information you seek. If you have additional questions, I will happily answer what I know. There are a few resources listed under Resources. There aren’t many there because too many present incorrect moral standards.
Wet dreams do not always involve erotic content. I still remember one dream I had as a teenager. I was playing football in the dream, which was strange since I was not athletic. I tackled someone, and at that moment, I ejaculated. I recall someone else writing that he had a dream where he was skydiving, and when he hit the ground, he ejaculated. Dreams can be very strange. Your body is aroused, so your brain pulls up images filed under “erotic,” but the brain’s filing system is messy, so what you get may not match.
After you get married, you will find that your wet dreams will stop because your sexual relationship with your wife gives you an outlet for ejaculating. They may temporarily come back at times when sex with your wife is not available to you, such as during an illness, exhaustion from raising children, or being way on a business trip.
Erections will slow down by the time you get to your thirties. It takes a while for your body to realize when erections are needed and when they are unwanted. It is just something guys have to put up with. If you get an unwanted erection, it is best to ignore it if you can. If it is too noticeable, you can put some books in front of you or go to the restroom and wait for it to calm down. Erections don’t last for more than 30 minutes because the blood pooling in your penis needs to get back to the lungs to pick up more oxygen.
Response:
Thank you very much for taking the time to answer me. I hope I can constantly improve and be able to help other people. I thank you, and I hope that God will guide you and give you wisdom because many of us have turned to you. Thanks a lot
God bless you.