Last updated on September 13, 2020
Question:
What are some of the things that young teenage couples could do that does not lead us to sin? Like things that don’t lead up to sex or masturbation. What are some of the boundaries and ground rules?
Thanks.
Answer
My guess is that if I asked you what you like to do with your friends in general that you could give me a long list of things you do, from video games to sports, none of which involve pulling your pants down. The reason is that when you don’t think of another person in a sexual way, but instead focus on friendship, there are lots of things to get involved in.
The reason young men and women pair off is not for sex, though clearly sexual desires is a driving factor in wanting to find a companion. You are looking for someone to be your best friend for the rest of your life. Or think of it this way, you are looking for someone to live with for a period that is three to four times longer than you’ve lived so far. Sex isn’t going to sustain such a long-term relationship.
Treat any girl whom you date with respect. Even if you don’t think you will marry her, treat her as the future wife of some other man. You don’t want guys having sex with your future wife, so you should not be fooling around with their future wives. The focus ought to be getting to know the other person as a person, so do things that she enjoys, things that you enjoy, and things you find you both enjoy. It is sad to me how many guys claim to be serious about a girl and can’t tell me little things about the girl, like what is her favorite color, her favorite author, or her hobbies.
Your sexual desire is strong; you don’t want to stir it up to an uncontrollable state. So long, passionate kisses, or putting hands on private areas are out — save these for your wedding night. Holding hands as you stroll down the sidewalk, or a chase goodnight kiss is fine. “Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman” (I Corinthians 7:1). And by this, Paul means touches designed to arouse sexual passion.
Think in terms that you are protecting her reputation, even from yourself. Therefore, don’t spend time at her house or yours when no one else is around. Don’t close yourself off in a room where others can’t see you. It might lead to temptations to go further than you should. Even if you aren’t misbehaving, think of how it would appear to someone else. Would they reasonably assume more is taking place than that should be?
Along with these things, don’t talk about things you can’t do unmarried. “But fornication and all uncleanness or covetousness, let it not even be named among you, as is fitting for saints; neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks. For this you know, that no fornicator, unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idolater, has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not be partakers with them” (Ephesians 5:3-7). Thus, no talking dirty over the phone and no sending nude or semi-nude pictures to each other. Along with this, don’t dress provocatively. Neither of you needs to catch a girlfriend or boyfriend through sexual offers. You are looking for someone who wants you for the person you are and not just because you have a gorgeous body.
Question:
Thank you so much. We agreed to stop once and for all.
But I still have questions that needed to be asked: I want to ask you what can I do to be a good boyfriend to her? Is there anything that God wants? Anything that God doesn’t want? I want to make her feel happy and special.
Answer:
The simple answer is that God doesn’t want you to sin because sin will ultimately lead you to grief. That you want her to be happy and feel special already says you are moving in the right direction. Just remember that happiness isn’t about physical things — it is a state of mind that exists regardless of the physical conditions of life.
For more ideas on how to treat your girlfriend, see: The Greatest Love Song Written: A Study of the Song of Solomon.