Last updated on September 26, 2020
At age 18 I can say that it’s like I’m 81, I’ve been through a lot. I had a porn addiction after years of usage since I was a child. Things used to be fine until I noticed a change in what was arousing me when watching pornography. I could get erections as soon as I saw the male’s genitals, but it’s not as if I truly liked it, or wanted it; I was just aroused. I created a theory that it’s because when I was younger, I wanted to get a bigger penis and was fixated on learning how to make it bigger. I figured that it somehow became something of a sexual cue for me whenever I would see a penis. It was peculiar, I only ever seen another man’s penis while watching porn, which is why I couldn’t understand the nature of it.
I have always liked girls. I’ve dated them (not recently though because of anxiety issues. I’m working on them slowly). I have had sex, though I regret it. I wish I had waited until marriage, which is what confuses me still.
Technically, my question would be: “Am I bi-sexual now?” I don’t want to have sex with or date men, so that’s automatically ruled out. “Heterosexuality” doesn’t seem to fit with what I experience now. I’m more than sure that it won’t go away, so I wonder how it would affect my future relationships if any.
Is it possible that it could change? I still get erections here and there. It’s never the same though, and never when I would want it. Maybe that’s the desensitization at work, but I just get a jolt of arousal once I would see a male’s penis in a porn video. My guess is because I used to spend so much time with my own, along with the simultaneous fixation with getting a larger penis, I just happen to have a sexual response to it. But it’s scary honestly. I wasn’t always like this, and I fear it will change a lot. For instance: I suddenly don’t like girls anymore. I’ve been from forum to forum (except for one, I’ve gotten too careless to sign up now, afraid I won’t get support or feedback) and ultimately turned up with nothing to help me understand.
Maybe you can be the one to shed light? Thank you.
Because of the desire of the homosexual movement to get homosexuality accepted, there has been a drive to “normalize” homosexuality by claiming it is more prevalent than thought. They did this by claiming that it wasn’t just two people of the same gender having sex, it was any sexual arousal that came from the same gender.
Biblically, homosexuality is having sex with someone of the same gender. Lust would enter the picture when someone strongly wants to have sex with a person of the same gender and is imagining reasons or scenarios where they think such sex would be all right. Both homosexuality and lusting for homosexuality would be sins (Romans 1:26-27; 13:13-14).
But arousal is a different thing altogether. When you first gain the ability to be sexually aroused, anything, everything, and nothing, in particular, can make your penis go erect. In a very short time, you begin to associate certain ideas or images with sexual desire. Technically anything still could stir your desire for sex, but the things you associate with sex have a stronger impact. What I want you to notice is that arousal is trainable. You associate the penis with sex and so the thought or image of a penis triggers your arousal. This doesn’t mean you want to have sex with a man. The penis just happens to be your primary trigger because of your past.
To illustrate this, I have talked with guys who get turned on by shoes, underwear, jockstraps, or even diapers. It doesn’t mean that they want to have sex with these objects, it is just that they mentally associate sex with these things.
Therefore, no, you are not a homosexual or a bisexual. You haven’t had sex with another guy. Nor do you lust to do so. You have committed fornication, and I hope you have taken care of those sins with God.
It sounds like you have stopped watching pornography which is essential for your spiritual healing. When you stop mentally feeding yourself garbage, the impact it had on your life will fade.
I suspect that the dislike of girls is more caused by your break-ups and your anxiety issues. These types of issues are best handled by talking to someone who can help you overcome the problems. Forums are typically not a good resource because the people on them are rarely qualified to give sound advice.