An older woman came on to me. How should I pursue this when I’m older?

Last updated on October 4, 2020


Hi Minister, 

I know you answer questions based on growing up, mine is kind of related. I don’t know anyone personally to ask this question, so if you could give me some advice and perhaps suggestions for other people that I could ask about my issues that would be great. This may sound odd, but it’s a problem I just can’t get out of my mind.

There’s this young woman in her 20’s who is principal of the middle school I went to. I’ve known her from the ages of 12-13 when she became principal. I’ve had a big crush on her for a while. Nobody knows I do, not even my parents. When I was in middle school, to me it seemed we weren’t always on the best of terms because I got in trouble a few times. However, thinking back now she still acted very friendly toward me and treated me better than any of the other students, often complimenting me on how I looked. Given the fact that my parents said that she’s too young and inexperienced to be principal, and also that she used to be a bit of a hippie in her college days, she’s not exactly an ordinary principal.

I’m now 16. My mother and I decided to drop in to say “hi” the other day since we were in the area. I was surprised at how happy she was to see me. She made comments, saying I was looking good and had “the aura of a famous actor.” We started making small talk, and several times she would touch my hands, arms, etc. A couple of times during the conversation, she would break eye contact and look down toward my torso region. She also laughed and said, “I would ask you more about what you’re doing these days if your mom wasn’t right there.” After a while, she wanted to keep talking, but it was time to go, so my principal said I had to give her a hug before I left. It didn’t come off as just a friendly hug either, it lasted for several seconds!

I know this isn’t really saying much, but in person, it definitely seemed to indicate something. Even my mother specifically commented on how she was acting, saying she was surprised how touchy she was with her standing right there. She wasn’t treating me as just a student anymore either, more like a fellow friend, saying things like “yeah, man” etc. I’ve never seen her being so friendly to other students, much less on a personal level like this. I don’t think her actions were because she was so happy to see me all grown up. I didn’t know her on too much of a personal level because she was just a principal, not my full-time teacher. Besides, her actions seemed too amorous, not to mention she seemed focused more on my physical appearance than the fact that I grew up. As I said, my mother picked up on this too, so I doubt it’s my imagination or hormones.

What are your opinions on the matter? The age of consent is 18 in my state. How should I test the waters when I’m of age?


I spend my time trying to talk people out of sin. Your analysis appears to be correct that she was attempting to come on to you. What I’m not certain is what she is aiming for. For example, you left out of your account whether she is a married woman or not. I know you are a handsome stud with women swooning over you but put on your analytical hat for a moment. What would an adult woman with a solid career want with a 16-year-old boy who probably hasn’t decided what he wants to do in life?

Let’s just assume you are going to be honorable and stay out of her bed until you married her at 18. How will this be a marriage of equals? Where is the companionship that is supposed to be the foundation of marriage? “Yet she is your companion and your wife by covenant” (Malachi 2:14). I’m not saying that companionship can’t develop, but she remembers you being 12-13. She hasn’t known you since and you only know her in her professional role. As you noted, she awakened your sexual desire, but I see nothing here about the attraction of two friends wanting to spend time as friends.

While I don’t know her precise motivation, I do know that this type of person has an agenda which isn’t for your benefit.

My son, keep your father’s command, And do not forsake the law of your mother. Bind them continually upon your heart; Tie them around your neck. When you roam, they will lead you; When you sleep, they will keep you; And when you awake, they will speak with you. For the commandment is a lamp, And the law a light; Reproofs of instruction are the way of life, To keep you from the evil woman, From the flattering tongue of a seductress. Do not lust after her beauty in your heart, Nor let her allure you with her eyelids. For by means of a harlot A man is reduced to a crust of bread; And an adulteress will prey upon his precious life” (Proverbs 6:20-26).

The type of woman you are dealing with is a seductress. You’ve already picked up on the fact that she wants to have sex with you, even though she hasn’t come out and said it yet. This type of woman operates with her words — she tells you just the sort of things you want to hear. She makes herself look attractive. She uses her eyes to capture your attention and to communicate her intent. But notice the last sentence in the quote. The guy that a seductress preys upon is not someone she cares about. To her, the guy is just food on the table. She is like a hunter. The hunter doesn’t really care about the animal he is about to kill beyond the fact that he enjoys the thrill of the hunt and that he will be eating well for the next few days. In the same way, the seductress is a hunter but her prey is men. She doesn’t particularly care about the men she uses; to her, they are a means to an end, a way to gain what she wants. That what she is doing harms him spiritually isn’t on her mind.

Can a man take fire to his bosom, and his clothes not be burned? Can one walk on hot coals, and his feet not be seared? So is he who goes in to his neighbor’s wife; whoever touches her shall not be innocent” (Proverbs 6:27-29).

When it comes to sexual matters, restraint is always a problem. Solomon points out the problem when he asked, “Can a man take fire to his bosom, and his clothes not be burned?” (Proverbs 6:27). You can show a hot coal all the affection you want. You can cuddle it and dote on it and it will still burn you. Your kindness to it doesn’t change its nature. How often do you hear someone say, “But I love her!” Solomon’s point is that your feelings toward this woman won’t change the fact that both of you have built-in desires and capabilities for sex. Trigger them and they follow the instincts built into you.

Solomon also asked, “Can one walk on hot coals, and his feet not be seared?” (Proverbs 6:28). Using the same example of hot coal, if you walk on it, it will burn you. You can apologize and say you didn’t mean to step on it, but you’ll still be hurt because your intentions don’t change what it is. Thus, the excuse, “But I didn’t mean for it to go this far!” becomes an empty one because your intentions don’t change your body’s drive.

That is why Solomon concludes, “So is he who goes in to his neighbor’s wife; whoever touches her shall not be innocent” (Proverbs 6:29). Though he is talking directly about adultery, the same point is true about fornication. When you start stirring up sexual feelings, you are never innocent when things go further than you wanted.

I know, it is a long answer, but don’t test these waters. It is a hidden whirlpool that will pull you in and damage you. Find a woman who loves you for who you are and not for your looks or how you are hung.